


realization

by nitroish



Series: bbs stuff. [2]
Category: Banana Bus Squad, The Misfits (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I guess!!, M/M, Multi, Other, delirious centric, delirious needs a hug, not beta read we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 18:33:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18555430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitroish/pseuds/nitroish
Summary: jon realizes, oh, fuck, does he realize, that he cant have that same close relationship with them as they have with one another.





	realization

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments on what you think maybe if you want!   
> this is pretty short, so if yall wanna see more then hmu  
> @ dambbrother on tumblr

jon realizes, oh, fuck, does he realize, that he cant have that same close relationship with them as they have with one another. because theyre together, and he feels left out of something big that he doesnt think he can join in on. theyre perfect, he muses, and theyre good for one another. they can bounce off of each other with no problems, they can giggle and say the same things. their minds, del thinks, are the same one. he thinks about how theyre so far from one another but they talk as though theyre next to each other, as if theyd never left each others company when they met so long ago. theyre two peas in a pod, for lack of better words. and delirious finds himself in love with their easy banter and their perfect laughs, their soft moments and loud predictions. and jon knows that he cant be like that, not laid back like kryoz or upbeat and ready for anything like smiity.

if anything, delirious is ten steps ahead of them and fifty steps behind at the same time. ready for anything, ready to jump ahead and skip words on accident as he tries to speak his mind without thinking before he speaks. ready to move ahead until his thoughts take him back to where he started, or back to thoughts he thought he said already when he had been attempting to filter his chattering teeth and tongue, repeating himself as he tries to re-filter through things that have been tossed around haphazardly the first wave through until eventually something new slips off his tongue. and its funny to them, as he tries to sift through what he means to say and messes it up. its funny to them to listen to him struggle to say words hed never seen before, or to read things from his screen as quick as he can, and they wheeze when he shouts something that means the same thing as he meant to say. so he lets them laugh at him, just to hear their laughter, and he laughs too. because their laughter is contagious.

smiity and kryoz are good at long, windy jokes, theyre good at pulling words out of nowhere and shoving them together to make a cohesive sentence. so he lets them joke and scream and rage at one another and lets them laugh at him as what they cant see behind the screen happens; his hands shaking over his keyboard at how he cant spell a certain word, cant type what he wants to say quick enough, or maybe how hes just so caught up in his own thoughts about the other two hes interacting with that he cant set his frazzled, unruly thoughts straight, or the moments when he cant find the right keys on the surface of his keyboard that he needs. he lets them giggle and help ease his racing mind by giving him hints or distracting one another so he has time to figure himself out before he feels like hes going to explode with how red his face is.

he lets them grow and bask in their closeness over the calls they are in as a group, alone together and without interruption from himself and his frantic, silent thoughts of shoving himself between them so he can drown himself in the moment of being as close to them as he could be without breaking them apart, coexisting as one three part unit. but they cant, and jon has no intentions of doing that, or mentioning it.

\- and one day he backs out of the groups call quietly before they can notice hes gone weirdly quiet and can direct another joke at him to try and pull him back in. after he leaves, he sits there quietly staring at the discord group chat thing theyre in and watches smiity and kryoz stay in the call. and now he thinks if he pretended and rejoined, hed just be interrupting an important talk between the two of them, so he doesnt dive back in. and they dont message him right away to ask what happened, so he lets the feeling of loneliness fester in his chest as he watches the clock in the corner of his screen tick, tick, tick as he sits in his dark room. and forty nine minutes and forty one seconds later when he has a message from smiity asking him where he went in his notifications, delirious is adamant in his place that he isnt sitting in the dark holding a stuffed animal bear in his lap, staring into its eyes as silent tears run down his face. he eventually wipes them away and replies something important came up and that hed have to reschedule his part of the video, or they could just record with someone else. theres no questions asked, no inquiry about what the fuck might have happened so late at night that took jon from recording with his friends on a friday night, smiity only says good luck and that theyd call mini or someone in and record with him another day.

jon tries not to feel replaced even though he recommended the action as he shuts off his computer and goes to bed, gently holding his teddy bear in his hands despite the urge to want to grab something and dig his nails into it. he lays in bed and cries, clutching his stuffed animal tightly to his face and curling himself up into his soft blankets and around his pillow. hed only woken up four hours ago to record with kryoz and smiity upon their own request, but hes exhausted and tired; emotionally, mentally, and physically.

so he forgoes the normal human routine of keeping the body up and healthy and falls into a dreamless sleep instead, swearing that hell make everything up to kryoz and smiity tomorrow for disappearing and not recording the game with them.


End file.
